Last month, a worldwide opinion survey was conducted by the United
Nations. The only question asked was: .Would you please give your
honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of
the world?.

The survey was a huge failure, because:

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60 year-old man. 'You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand
there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy,
you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of
all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60 year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00
and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped
dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.  You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.  Upon her
return,  her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can
ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' 
  The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...' 
   'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.' 
  'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings  certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country  club.......
(takes a breath)......... and an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .' 
  'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. 
  Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff.' 
   'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye
said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

A married couple in their 80's no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says:

'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally craps the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!"

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  "We can't stand
the sight of each other any longer," the father says.  "We're sick
of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Leeds and tell her."  Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own
way.

A guy moves to California and goes to a big department store looking
for a job. The manager asks: Do you have any sales experience? The
guy, Yeah, I was a salesman back home. The manager liked the young
man, so he gave him the job. 'You start from tomorrow! I'll come
down after close time and see how you did, but let me give you a bit
of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you
might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get
the idea.

Of course, the young man said.

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. How many sales
did you make today?

The guy said: One.
The manager groans, Just one? Other sales people average 20 or 30
sales a day.  How much was the sale for? 
The guy said: 101,237.64 US dollars.
The manager exclaims, what? 101,237.64 Dollars?' What did you sell
him?
The guy said, first I sold him a small fishhook.
Then sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull the new
boat. So I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4X4 BMW.

The manager says, you mean a guy came in here to buy a fishhook and
you sold him a boat and truck?

The guy said: No! NO! NO! He came in to buy a box of Kotex for his
wife and I said: Well, since your weekend is obviously fucked up,
you might as well go fishing!!!

A ninety-eight year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she
refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and, remembering
a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. 
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

'Mother,' the nuns asked earnestly, 'please give us some wisdom
before you die.'

She raised herself up a little, and said, 'Don't sell that cow.'

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered
rape or shoplifting? 

Can you cry under water? 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny
for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to? 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

What disease did cured ham actually have? 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake
up like every two hours? 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? 
They're going to see you naked anyway. 

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him? 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? 
They're both dogs! 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner? 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune? 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window? 

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place? 

  

MEASUREMENTS ..

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the
smallest is the male sperm.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

  

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.

Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one
square inch.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate ... and
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.

And, ALL males are still checking their thumbs!

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! 

************************************* 


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have. " 

************************************* 


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this air plane" 

************************************* 


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.   

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" 

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" 

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 

*************************************** 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!" 

******************************************* 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell
everything has shifted after a landing like that." 

************************************* 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal." 

************************************* 


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!" 

*********************************** 


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments." 

*********************************** 


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. 
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses......except for
that gentleman over there." 

****************************************** 


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City .  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
asphalt." 

**************************************** 


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 

**************************************** 


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 

**************************************** 


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this air plane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 

**************************************** 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .
 The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" 
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see
the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.  You should see the
back of mine!"

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job... 
 
The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in the armed forces for three years.'  

The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward 
employment' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'  

The guy says, 'Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off.'  

The interviewer tells the guy, 'OK, I can hire you right now the
hours are from 8:00 a.m. Till 5:00 P.M.
  
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m.'  

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. Till
5:00 p.m., the why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?'  

'This is a Government job', the interviewer says. 'For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming
in for that.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. 
Sacha Guitry 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
Socrates 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them. 
Dumas 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
'What does a woman want?'
Sigmund Freud 

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me. 
Anonymous 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' 
Henny Youngman 

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' 
Sam Kinison 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage.' 
James Holt McGavran 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't.' 
Patrick Murray 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
Nash 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once... 
Anonymous 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
Henny Youngman 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
Rodney Dangerfield 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
Milton Berle 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
Anonymous 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You
can have mine.' 
Anonymous 

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' 
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mines still alive.' 

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO
THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner. 
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.. 'I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.' 
 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, and alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, supplying a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word.

1. Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

8. Hipatitis:  Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

10. Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido:  All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.):  The colour you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

17. Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would
like to buy some cyanide.' 

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' 

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' 
            
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have
any cyanide!' 
            
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

* It's dark when you drive to and from work.
* You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
* You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
  different companies.
* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
* You learn about your layoff on CNN.
* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best
  jokes.
* Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
* You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
* Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
  the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
* All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
* 10% of the people you work with (boss included) knows what they
do.
* Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
  computers" or "does something with satellites"

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our
calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look
like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're
gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a
group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her
butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look
like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's
spinach in our teeth.


Okay, so there are more reasons why it is better to be a woman ..LOL

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out
of being lost is to ask for directions.

1- Your last name stays put.
2- The garage is all yours.
3- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4- Chocolate is just another snack.
5- You can never be pregnant.
6- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this one is just too icky.
8- Wedding dress R15000. Tux rental- R100.
9- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
10- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
11- One mood all the time.
12- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
13- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
14- You can open all your own jars.
15- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
16- Your underwear is just R29.95 for a three-pack.
17- Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
19- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
20. You only have to shave your face and neck.
21- One colour for all seasons.
22- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
23- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
24- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
25- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes.

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. 
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans'
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?' 
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated
the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued
me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. 
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. 
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. 
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. 
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math. 
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 
5. Weed 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 

1. Big rock between you and B.C. 
2. Ottawa who? 
3. Tax is 6% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of
 the country. 
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be
 its own country. 
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia
 groups. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw. 
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 
4. People will assume you live on a farm. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a
 beach front property. 
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 

1. You live in the centre of the universe. 
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 

1. Racism is socially acceptable
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour
 will move out next. 
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada 
4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo *#!%!' 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick . 
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get
 drunk and wear a kilt. 
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got
 the big, new bridge. 
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.' 
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from. 
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at
 night. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 
3. The workday is about two hours long. 
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your
 wedding

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'