Mensa's Artificial Word List 2008
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, and alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, supplying a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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Estate plannin g
Jack was a single guy living at home with his father and working in
the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife
with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look just like an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just
a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million
dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks
later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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THOSE BORN 1920-1979
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and
didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special
treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO
ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made
with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at
all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no
surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no
Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live
in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen,
we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so
much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids s o they will know how
brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors,
doesn't it?!
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The Minister's new teeth
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this
way:
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second
Sunday,my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I
accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up.
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Questions
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered
rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny
for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake
up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?
MEASUREMENTS ..
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the
smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one
square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate ... and
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
And, ALL males are still checking their thumbs!
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Airline Announcements
United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have. "
*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this air plane"
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell
everything has shifted after a landing like that."
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"
***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for
that gentleman over there."
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
asphalt."
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this air plane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
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Post Office job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job...
The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in the armed forces for three years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward
employment' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'OK, I can hire you right now the
hours are from 8:00 a.m. Till 5:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. Till
5:00 p.m., the why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?'
'This is a Government job', the interviewer says. 'For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming
in for that.
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Oh Canada
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some
asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, ''And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."
"Really?' said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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Giving up wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.. 'I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine.
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Can Be THE Man of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would
like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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You know you are a software developer when ...
* It's dark when you drive to and from work.
* You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
* You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.
* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
* You learn about your layoff on CNN.
* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best
jokes.
* Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
* You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
* Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
* All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
* 10% of the people you work with (boss included) knows what they
do.
* Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers" or "does something with satellites"
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25 Reasons it is better to be a woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our
calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look
like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're
gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a
group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her
butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look
like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's
spinach in our teeth.
Okay, so there are more reasons why it is better to be a woman ..LOL
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out
of being lost is to ask for directions.
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25 Reasons being a man is easier
1- Your last name stays put.
2- The garage is all yours.
3- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4- Chocolate is just another snack.
5- You can never be pregnant.
6- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this one is just too icky.
8- Wedding dress R15000. Tux rental- R100.
9- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
10- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
11- One mood all the time.
12- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
13- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
14- You can open all your own jars.
15- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
16- Your underwear is just R29.95 for a three-pack.
17- Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
19- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
20. You only have to shave your face and neck.
21- One colour for all seasons.
22- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
23- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
24- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
25- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes.
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Noah's Ark - modern version
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans'
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated
the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued
me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.
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Canada's Top Reasons to Live in Various Provinces
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 6% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of
the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be
its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia
groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a
beach front property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour
will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo *#!%!'
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get
drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got
the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at
night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your
wedding
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any
money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
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catholic gasoline
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked
back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it
starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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Marriage - man's point of view
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
'What does a woman want?'
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman
'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You
can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mines still alive.'
SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO
THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!
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Setting up the password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked h im to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer screen read:
PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH...
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