I sometimes wonder who you would have been Had I not made the choice I did, if i got to choose again. Would you have been a little girl whose curls float like a halo Or a little boy whose toy boat floats in the bath? Would you have understood, when I told you Why you were mine, with no father in sight? What would I have said when you asked who your daddy was "I do not know. He had no face and no name. Only a rapist." Would I have been reminded, everytime I looked into your eyes, Of the worst day of my life, the day my internal war began? I often dream of you at night, clear, crisp dreams Sometimes i see myself crying when I look at you Wondering how I could possibly love you, The product of such hate and violence. Sometimes I see myself crying when i look at you Wondering how I could possibly not love you When you are wanted so much now. I wish I could tell you why i chose the way I did But it is an answer I do not know, and never will.
Reason for writing:
I was raped at age fifteen and often have dreams, actually nightmares about it. One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and wrote this poem after having an awful nightmare.
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