These bugs that torture my head
The mad thoughts that contaminate my soul
My heart yearns for you
but you no longer hear it or see it
. . .or feel it
The fire was lost in the skin
Waiting was too long
My precious whispers didn’t penetrate your coldness
I couldn’t warm you up
You don’t want me too.
All you do is shove me away
And the anger grows stronger
Rage is ripping me apart
The shreds that the lion has made me
I’m bloody
you don’t care
I scream out with agony
you don’t hear
I weep bitter, contemptible tears
you don’t feel them on your cheek
What must I do to get your fucking attention?
I’ll slit my throat
I’ll send you my thick blood in a jar
I’ll send you the heart that you ripped out of me a long time ago
It no longer pulsates with life
It has been drained . . . emotionally drained
It doesn’t remember how to love
You sucked the love within it out already
And I’m the one whose suffered the fucking consequences
I don’t need your self-pity
I don’t need your lies
I don’t need your feelings for me anymore
I am no longer your fucking “perfect drug” - I’ve never even heard the whole entire song
I no longer want you to be “addicted” to me
So stop telling me you goddamn loved me, needed me like you need your goddamned cigarettes
Goddamn you, you fucking mother-bastard!!
FUCK YOU!
But you still don’t hear that I care
That I love you as I do and have
What does it take?
You only hear what you want to
You block your ears any other time
I feel so shut out
So lost without you there
I’ve become too dependent
My insecurity is holding me back
The demons lurk within my head
The razors hover over my wrists
Death. . . it’s what you’ve driven me to
The ocean begs for me to join
Jump into its’ waves
Drown in the overwhelming pain
Hatred and rage are mixed together
You motherfucker!
I’ve hurt myself because of you
The nothingness I feel
Emptiness within
Loneliness sets its fucking self within my soul
Tragedy. . .
it looms in the future
Ominous as it is
Haunting me for eternity
Screams emerge silently from my torn mouth
I don’t want this!
I don’t want to be like this!
I don’t bring it upon myself deliberately
Do you think I cut myself out of my own free will?
Do you think I invite Depression into my mind?
. . .have conversations with it like an old childhood friend?
No! I despise it so
But it continues to pollute my spirit so
Get out of me!
Leave me to my peace!
I don’t want you or your maggot friends to bother me, harm me anymore
I need my peace of mind!
But you just keep adding to it
You keep drawing me in
I’m your scapegoat
but you cannot admit it
You won’t release the valve entitled “Pain”
You are pulling the strings that I’ve allowed you to attach to me
Cut them off!
I don’t want to be a part of you
I don’t want to be attached
Help me, sweet butterflies!
Grant me my final wish
Open up my body
Send his memory flying from me
Shove it into the trash
along with his other shit
His memory needs to be erased from me
Oh why has this life been such a waste?
My whole life a waste
All because of him. . . you
And my own love and obsession
Letting go is so hard
A painful task, a chore, a habit for him
I’m not used to it
The love I knew
The beauty I once felt
It has all diminished with the sunset
It has shrunk into the bottom of the ocean
Will someone please retrieve it?
I feel so worthless and dead. . .
I feel nothing
I hear nothing
I see nothing
I love nothing
You have become my nothing
The emptiness you fulfill
This great void has expanded
Forgiveness isn’t necessary for you
I feel the turmoil
I feel the utter pain
But lo! these are the presents that you gave to me in return for my desperate love
My first true love
Useless
Unworthy
These are the only adjectives that keep coming to mind
Throbbing anger bursting within me
I cannot take it out on you
You won’t feel my wrath
But my body will
Open up your eyes!
Tell me, please, what you see in me?!
What am I to you?. . .
Has my love been lost, wasted?
What do you feel?
Why won’t you tell me anything
Why do you hate me so
I “see” the contempt in your eyes
I hear it in your beautiful voice
-oh why do you piss me off so?
Is it love that causes me to feel so wretched?
Oh, beautiful butterflies, save me. . .
Save me from my own self-destruction
I will blow up in 30 seconds or less
In fact, I’m dead at this moment
And you do not weep
You don’t even notice
With my arms outstretched for you
The gentle rose petals flutter to cover me
My wooden grave buried, dropped into the deep blue waves
My home for eternity
My life is dead
My spirit died
it was the first thing to go two years ago
And now I’m reunited with it
How sweet it is to be with
How I’ve missed it so
But hence! stop in your tracks
My ghost haunts
It cannot rest
It cannot sleep
Things have not been finished
I must kill you also
He must be with me in my watery grave
I will not be the only one who suffers in grief
I didn’t deserve to die
To be nonexistent in this oblivion
He had pushed me to it
I was already standing, wavering on the edge
And he shoved me over
Uncaring to my feelings - nothing new
He wouldn’t even grab my hand when I reached out for him
God, now I’m becoming, sounding obsessed
But I’m not!
Don’t get me wrong!
An eye for an eye, a bleeding heart for another in turn
This agony won’t stop pestering me
I need to forget the bastard
I must. . . for myself I need to do so
But what is left of my self
. . .but nothingness
What is remaining
. . .but emptiness
I’m a shadow of death
Of pain and suffering
And I no longer exist
So what is there?
My brittle bones
. . .and my aching heart
The life has still not returned
And I no longer miss it
So Fuck you, Motherfuck!
I’ve gone to Hell and now you’ll join me
Burn, asshole, burn!
Die in torment like I’ve already died
And bother me no more
For I will not stop loving you
And my own force cannot stop this love
I’ve become out of control
Blind with rage
And for once I will let go
Trust me. . . I know how to keep my promises
Do not laugh in my dirtied face
I will spit in your eye
The wounds have been opened
Fresh with the salt that you dropped in
Agony is all I feel
Don’t worry and do not fret. . .
I have just forgotten
But not for very long
Your memory doesn’t escape me
I’m not senile yet
I will never be
Disappear forever
Tell me your fucking lies
I no longer hear them
I’ll no longer beg
I don’t ask nicely anymore
Now I’m the one who shoves you away
The tables have finally turned
I’m no longer your toy
So don’t try to play with me
I’ve broken
Snapped into two
Don’t even think of gluing me back together
Because I will not stick
I’ve drowned
and saving me is no longer an option for you
I’ve willed myself too
And this eternity of nothing is the greatest pain I’ve felt in a long time
I’m truly happy now
And you will never take it from me again
or give it to me
Your presence is no longer accepted
My heart is hardened
Just as yours is
And now I know how it is to feel nothing
I’m in your shoes now
I don’t like them
They make me an evil person
I feel evil
Here, take some of my compassion
I’ll give it willingly
At least I know how to share
Have a wonderful life.
I hope you don’t die young like I did.
April, 21, 1997
Reason for writing:
None given
Birth sign: Not entered
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