I approach a subject
Difficult for me,
That's why it's been ignored
Before.
I remember before
My daughter was born...
Looking back on things,
I must have been lonely.
Now, I can't think of a time
When I wasn't busy
Cuddling with her,
Or feeling her butterfly kisses
On my cheek.
I feel sad for others
Who are so deprived...
Who don't have
A living,
Breathing,
Teddy-bear-angel
Piece of you
Of their own.
Oh, sure...
There were times I was angry,
Like when she would wake me
By jumping on my stomach,
Shouting:
Mommy! Open eyes! Now!!!
-Or when I'd awake in the morning
At 6:30
To see she'd ripped her diaper to shreds
For the fun of it.
But, I never took it out on her -
I'd just groan:
Not again!
- And put the pillow over my face
- As she laughed -
Then cleaned it up.
There were times though,
Where I was so happy,
That I couldn't imagine ever being sad...
- And for a chronically depressed person,
That's truly a miracle -
Like the first time
She told me out of nowhere with a smile:
Mommy, I love you.
Or hugged me so tight
I felt my insides melt
Into tears in my eyes...
I love her so very much,
I love her more than I love myself.
She's only three years old now,
And already I'm so proud of her...
The pictures of people she draws,
How she sings her nursery rhymes with a lisp,
All those cute little things
Only a mommy can truly appreciate.
But, I get so sad,
So terribly sad,
Over other things too...
Like how I am not God
And I am not perfect for her.
I wish I could give her
Anything
And Everything -
But, I am poor...
And it's hard to get her everything
She needs right away.
People who don't have children
- I'm sorry to say -
I don't think understand.
I know I didn't...
They think things like...
Like, the fact her teeth aren't the best,
I should miraculously come up with the $500 +
To fix them...
It must be my fault she loves her ba-ba so much.
But, when I've taken it away
Or tried to explain to her
It's no good to drink so much,
Especially at night
She cries
And cries
For hours on end.
- HOURS -
And it makes me feel bad,
So bad
Especially after my neighbor complained one night
Because she had work the next day.
I have a lot of guilt,
A lot.
That her teeth are chipped...
She still drinks her ba-ba,
She's still in diapers because
She has no interest in the potty or toilet -
No matter how patient I am,
Or how I've tried to reason with her...
It's all my fault,
I'm not God, you see?
Some people without children think it is.
And I'd personally love to whack them.
But, that's okay,
Because SHE knows how much I love her,
And I'm doing the best I can.
I wish the rest of the world would understand
What it's like to be a mother
Who is not perfect, but who wants to be.
- A silly thing -
- A sudden thing she just did -
- She knew I was sad-
She kissed me on the cheek and giggled...
And all of my fears went away.
Rock-a-bye-baby, she sang
I suddenly felt horror
To imagine someday
She might grow old and die...
To occupy a grave...
Oh God! Oh dear God!
Please! Don't let her ever die!
No parent should ever have to bury their child!
My daughter,
My daughter,
I would miss you so much.
How could I live, not seeing your smile,
Or lisp your songs,
Or draw your little stick figures and smiley faces...
Or the first word I didn't teach you,
You learned to write MOM
God, please, don't ever let me know that pain.
I want to see her grow,
I want to see her live,
I want to see her love, to fall in love...
I want to walk her to school
On chilly October mornings and chase
Swirling leaves with her...
I want her to live forever
With all the love I can give...
The love of a mother.
E.A.Altamura, Copyright 1999
Birth sign: Not entered
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