I
You're a funny backwards man...
A Uranian walking contradiction,
With thunderbolts of spontaneity
And gobs of airy-detatched-vagueness.
You're a funny circus clown
Who cries tears of joy
And laughs when you're stabbed...
This I know -
I know this.
You call me Cleopatra
Or Cockroach
With equal endearment,
Dancing a bouncy waltz with me
In your spectator wingtips.
Nervous when you talk
And reducing conversations
To one-line-funnies
When you can't really say much more...
You walk that fine line
Between genius and insanity
So that most don't know
Which you are -
But I know, I know.
You're an eternal 2nd grade boy
With a crush
Pulling my chair
Out from underneath me
To tell me I'm loved -
And I enjoy it -
I do enjoy it.
I call you Goober,
You call yourself Achniculus...
And you told me to remember
Remember that's your name.
When I have a better name for you,
A better name -
I'll call you
My twin flame.
II
You always pick the funniest girls
To wear on your arm.
They're short and pudgy with short hair;
Maybe dark,
Maybe red,
It doesn't matter
You're just
A twirp lover...
Not that I have anything against
The vertically challenged,
It's just that -
Well, it's just that...
Didn't it feel better
To stand with me barefoot
Hugging me in your arms
Knowing our hearts could touch each other?
Or, is that what scares you,
My silly, backwards, twirp lover?
I know you've had it all planned
To teach me
And the world a lesson.
We tell each other we hate each other
Because love is such a scary word that's
Hard to say...
Though, you did say it once...
One time.
And, you meant it...you really meant it.
And that's all I need;
Because with you,
I know it stands until it's retracted.
You can't let most people know
You really do care,
When you act like that schoolboy
Telling your friends in front of me
While you're red in the face:
Her?! I don't like her, she likes me!
But now, you're the one who follows me
In front of this girl -
The one whose name
Rhymes with
Ho-ey
Joey
And David Bowie...
HER
Your twirp of the moment,
Nice twirp o' the town.
The one who is short,
When I am tall...
The one who wears glasses
When I wear contacts...
The one with red short hair
While mine is long and black...
The one who sits quietly
While I run my mouth...
The one who sits still
While I squirm...
The one who sits there, turned from you -
While you look at me
And say:
Have you ever thought of us having kids Liz?
I have...
What do you say...?
Yeah, sure...she's just the type of girl you want
Yeah, right...she's just the type of girl for you!
III
Another twirp
You carried on the crook of your arm
Caused us to fight furiously...
That fight we had over the telephone
One Sunday morning
Screaming at each other,
Waking the dead, walking into Mass.
I sobbed and sobbed
After you slammed down the receiver...
Strong and forceful on the phone
I was reduced to a quivering pile of nothing
Embarrassed by my own display
Of emotion to myself.
I hated you -
I hated you for believing her,
The one who apologized to me in a bathroom
Months later
For all the problems she caused us...
The one whose name rhymed with
Why-Anne.
Yes, why Anne? - I asked the Virgin's mother
The mother of Mary
I invoked while in labor...
Why-Anne her name rhymed with.
I wonder how you would feel, Twirp Lover,
If you knew
That my friends and yours
Affectionately named
Your then-current-twirp
Tuna Melt
Because it looked as if
Her face was melting
Down her smelly body...
Just like the cheese on a tuna melt.
You paraded that short, portly babe
Around for a while, then tired of her, too.
...And people still
Don't refer to her by her real name.
IV
Before Tuna showed her face to you,
There was a girl whose name sounded like
Malice-Son.
She was short, and scalped,
With a pretty good sized drug habit
(According to other's opinions).
You were with her in high school
And for quite a few years,
Until you broke up
Over a piece of broccoli
And were never quite the same.
V
But, between all these twirps
And during some of these twirps,
There was me.
And I am not them,
They are not I -
And you know this.
So, I suggest you examine yourself
Righteous Achniculus,
And do the math.
I have...
And I think you might be surprised
When you realize something.
Everyone knows you do the opposite of your intention
Much of the time
Just to try and fool people...
In your search to be unpredictable
I can predict your every move.
I ain't so dumb to believe you all of the time,
And neither is the rest of the world.
E.A.Altamura, Copyright 1999
Reason for writing:
Half of my Love.
Birth sign: Not entered
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