It’s the nighttime that kills me. The pain seems to extend to eternity from what my tired eyes can see and it seems that the pain has filled so many of my previous days that to continue seems pointless. I wonder if relief will ever come; if my soul can ever rest untormented. I wonder how many days I can awaken and put on the facade of hope after seemingly endless disappointments for so long. Will my heart only subside under troubled circumstances or will it one day know what it is like to soar, unhindered and free? Will I feel slow torture as the light inside of me is slowly, painfully being extinguished? Or will I one day feel a brilliant fire burning and realize that this is how things were meant to be…when this occurs, will it make all the pain and torture I’d experienced seem nonexistent, like a bad dream, as if it were in another place and time – in another world? I guess that as long as this possibility still exists in my mind – I can still hope…I guess that this is where I find the strength to awaken and put on the facade, that maybe it’s not merely a facade, but true hope of better things to come. I guess that some days it is true hope and some days I am faking it – but either way – I survive, I carry on and I grow stronger. So when I awaken and feel the warm sunlight on my face and realize that this is what destiny has given to me – I can rejoice…for the only other alternative is to have suffered in vain…to give up now, never even having the chance to feel the goodness and comfort of true happiness and never having a chance to be rewarded for all that I have invested up until now. Yes, from an outside point of view, one could say that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, but that hard place may have a soft spot – in fact, most of them do. But only when I allow myself, and some days force myself, to persevere and hope, do I have a chance at finding the perfect pressure point that will change life as I know it – that will make the whole picture change to the one that I so desperately need to see, that I need so desperately to believe exists. So for now I will try to sleep and remember how any life can change in just an instant. For now, I will try to hope, even if it seems pointless some days, and realize that the only thing worse than to have suffered is to have suffered for nothing. As humans, we all accept that when we mature, you have to give up some things to get others - that we must make concessions. No one can have everything, all of the time, because that would inevitably leave others with nothing. So if my time to suffer is now, I know that my time for pleasure must be on the way. In fact the longer I suffer, the more likely it is that my time of joy is just around the corner. And it is with this thought that I can finally sleep.
Reason for writing:
I wrote this during a dark period of my life after I was date raped. Although it sounds depressing at first, I think that it is ultimately inspirational.
Birth sign: Gemini
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