This love alone has made me wish for Pain and suffering to be inflicted on me...I would Rather your kisses be scars, because now I live, solitary, In the world of deceit that I created...I constantly Burn in this fire of shame that I ignited as I Led you on...as I held myself out for you to partake of...I didn’t Once think what I was doing was wrong...as you felt me I Selfishly would escape into my dreams...and sometimes the Dreams would drown in sorrow and convulse me with terror, and as I Remembered the way he would hold me...as you do now.... I would shake myself back into reality again, and hold myself out for you Once more. But it wasn’t you at all that made me let you do anything to Me. No, it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t the “love” which we spoke of...your Shining eyes are not yet bright enough to perceive the dullness of mine. It was merely the fact that you are an entity, just a seperate Existence which I thought would fulfill those empty thoughts...and Your flesh and bones were merely flesh and bones...meaningless in my heart. I replaced you with him...his heart, his mind, his soul.. But now it’s impossible for me to be with him once more...though his Spirit lives on in all our hearts, the pills he consumed in his Final dramatic moments trapped him forever in that sturdy black box. I saw him there on the midnight blue velvet with his Glazed eyes... Maybe, maybe he’s floating now in some sublime place, and he’s Living another life, maybe, Maybe he’s waiting for me to join him so we can fly with our love Among the clouds and stars...we could be the strokes, the strokes of The sun’s paintbrush as she creates a glorious Sunrise across the dimmed sky. Maybe, but for now, I just think of him. His vacant eyes haunt me from my mirror at times, and The shadows on my wall seem to outline his figure... I wish now that you, That you would hurt me. That you wouldn’t come back after our fights, that you Would gaze at me numbly, as I look at you... I deserve every clean cut of the blades on my arm, and I Deserve every haunting thought that suffocates my sanity. Will you... Will you ever forgive me for trying to replace a ghost with a body? Will You forgive me for lying to you with my words of love? It was never You that I loved; it was your being. And the day, That day I tried to join my love in death, and you patiently Waited, not doubting my survival...that day, I saved one rose from The ones you gave me...with that clumsy, careful pink bow...and I put it in My last drawer in the desk, the same desk on which so many words were Written for him, as they are now written for you...the rose is no longer Pink...no, it has faded to a dismal brown...and like this love, It will soon turn black, black with deceit, black with ignorance. But black is such a beautiful color... I want you to remember that this all wasn’t your fault...it was I that Ruined a wonderful friendship by letting this go on..and before, Before I would’ve swallowed some pills, as I swallowed his Secrets, so emptiness would no longer strangle me...but now, Now I realize that swallowing is never going to make Anything happen...anything more than more lies, And more discomfort in this relationshiip...and I will Never be able to see you again because the fire...that still Burning fire of shame will swallow me if I continue To see that look in your eyes that were once in my eyes with him. I’ve given up with the idea of Being with him for now...I’ll wait until death wants to Take me into his arms...and the razor blades and pills are Thrown away with horror because of the memories they Bring flooding back. And now, when I dream, as you still hold me, I dream of the future, Of someone else, who is not yet real, and may never be...but my imagination takes me on journeys with him...and my love for him Overwhelms me, and I think of him for the rest of the day... But I’m disgusted with Myself for making you be the Physical aspect of Him. If later on your Content eyes are still smiling down on me, happily, as my Closed ones are still looking into someone else’s in a Dizzying fantasy, I will not know what to do...and I can’t do more than Messily pour out everything with this red Pen...but it’s not quite as red as the blood that trickled Down in delight when the needle filled with Tranquility Would jab at some flesh, and not a vein, And those perfect scars make me shudder when you look at them...you’re Too nice...too nice to know the hellish Desire for something that could Kill you...I don’t know how long it’ll take for you to forgive me, if you Ever will...but I will do anything, Anything, to make you understand how regretful I Really am. You see, I know how much it hurts to be used...I know the pain when The realization strikes...and I remember How I would pour out my tales on my bed while you Sat there, holding my hand, saying everything Would be all right...you were the Best friend I ever had...every day we would experience more and more, together, and I remember the times That I would think someone liked me, not my flesh.. And then they would bring me into their bedroom... I remember telling you, over and over again, “he used me”...and a few Months ago I went as far to say “you used me” But now I’m the one that used you.
Reason for writing:
i guess this is self-explanatory.
Birth sign: Gemini
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