In the clinic I look around... I don't belong here, this isn't right. How did we get here? There's a 14 year old girl with her mom and her boyfriend... She looks so scared when they call her name but She goes in bravely, oversized sweatshirt twisted around her child sized hands. Outside for a cigarette and some air... They tried to make it pleasant out here with Flowers and a bench. But From here, I imagine I can hear the crowd shouting MURDERER. I can't stop crying, thinking I don't belong here, this isn't right. You try to comfort me but I am angry with you and I am angry with myself And a hug isn't going to make it better. Back inside, the woman who can't speak English is next... Her interpreter goes with her and I wish that I could not speak English so you could come in there, too. (Can't do it alone, can't do it alone...) Another Cosmo for me, another Time for you. The crazy woman walks around the room, and I wonder If she is waiting for someone, or if she's next. Outside again...some children sleep in a locked car; The fourteen year old's boyfriend smokes; We look everywhere but at each other. This isn't right, I don't belong here. Walking in and down the hall, I feel disconnected from what is going to happen to me. I don't think about what I am doing and resign myself to a life of counselling and a life where everytime I see a baby I'll think WHAT IF. The fourteen year old girl walks out, With a slightly pained look on her face... "Are you ok?" Mom and boyfriend ask together, and I find myself Wishing that my mom was here Instead of 100 miles away with no idea of what her baby was about to do. My turn. You hug me briefly. (Come with me!) I walk in and can instantly smell it... Medicinal, sterile death. I wonder if I will pass out Like I did in more innocent times every time I would give blood. I don't belong here... A whirlwind of activity...then nothing. (What's going on?) "Sit here, and wait." Alone in the empty room with two chairs, I wish you were here. (Is this normal?) Waiting makes it harder; I think about it too much, and I can't stop crying. "Miss, we can't see anything. There's not a baby there." This isn't right. Back out to the room where you sit alone with the crazy lady, I tell you. "What?...are you sure?" Leaving with more questions than answers, But LEAVING... "I wasn't ok with you going through with that, you know." "I know, swan, I wasn't either." "We had no choice..." We will echo that for an eternity, knowing...
Reason for writing:
I had a miscarriage a few weeks later. They couldn't find our baby on any of the 8 ultrasounds I had done. I want to hear comments about this if anyone has any...
Birth sign: Aries
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