When there’s so much goddamn emotion inside But, in the confusion, it feels that it has to hide When artificial intoxicants show you how you really want to act and feel And when they're gone, they kick your ass and show that sobriety and reality are real When you know that your thoughtless actions have to come to an end When you’ve heard a thousand times that fucken message you all try so hard to send Especially when you’ve known all this time that you're captured in this self-destructiveness You all need to know that your points, your wisdom, and your advice, I have never once missed All the truths and the perceptions that you think I'm too blind to see They have always been so fucken clear to me Call me crazy, cold apathetic, depressed, suicidal, or even just a typical teenager Sit and discuss optimistic options/alternative paths, which will make my life peachy, because of your ‘good nature’ Ask me how my day went, why I cut myself, why I let this hatred fucken envelop me, as if you really care I do realize that you mean well, but all of your own fucken problems…notice I don’t tie you down and force you to share When you're all talked out, and thinking about the littlest fucken thing causes so much pain When you have hit so low that you’ve convinced yourself that you know too much and it has driven you insane When you're fucken all twacked out and you have to pour your (emotionless?) heart out, neatly onto the lines of an inanimate fucken piece of paper Only because you're all alone, and even if someone were there, you figure that by sparing them of your feelings you’d be doing them a big goddamn favor When the drugs allow you to, even for a brief moment, just fucken feel And, your realize that, underneath that hatred and all the carious protective shields, there actually lies love and, for once, it's not scared, and it presents itself to be real Especially at a time like this Where I surprise myself by writing endless pages, uncovering all the important things that I have somehow missed When, at this very moment, I'm willingly accepting the hope that that last line (not tweek) just fucken gave me It's amazing, that after/during all of this shit and all of this time, that there is, actually, some shit that I have been too blind to see This fucking last hour/half hour (who fucken knows, probably two) of brainstorming and endless flowing thought Has motherfucken gave me some real insight into ideas that my dead soul, that gave up, hasn’t yet sought When I want so bad to edit almost this whole fucken poem, now, in it's entirety Only now can I begin to realize, in this, the motherfucken irony I began this shit, still caught up in the miserable hell and depression that I have always deemed to be my destined life Still clutching onto my false savior, my only hope, my so carefully fucken guarded, Knife When you're sooo accustomed to the evil pessimism, that is unchanging, never-ending, and, worst of all, incessant Maybe (?) it's time to start shit over, and begin to learn some new lessons Maybe (?) this will prove to be a turning point in this torturous life Then again, in my pocket, sill waits my fucken Knife When you're, for once, feeling good, and change appears to be an option You can't help but think (know?) that you, once again, will come down, and your optimistic side will, tragically, come crashing down along with it And, looking through the wreckage and debris, all that had delighted you, and was there, shining within your grasp, had been there only yesterday You know that your all being, try as you might to discontinue that (accustomed) pain, it will then transform into the darkest fucken grey When you're both proud, and yet disgusted, with all of this soul searching And you're so fucken confused, and dreading the arrival of tomorrow, and the uncertainty that will, most likely, be lurking When you're not sure if your mind has stumbled/wandered into this… hope… this unexcavated, and brand new place that has the potential to cause great pain Even (surprisingly) pain so great that you have still not been able to force yourself to retain And when you’ve sat in one position for over three hours Chain-smoking, and not even thinking about the unimaginable difficulty it will be to just get up tomorrow and get in the shower Refuckenreading all these confusing words that were, for some reason, conjoined in a particular fashion to prove…who fucken knows?? Can anyone tell me what all this time/energy/thoughtfulness that I have put into this shows? When you have begun to ask inanimate objects for all of the fucken answers The only conclusion possible, although not future oriented, is that there will, most definitely, be more fucking questions to come, of this I am sure When you realize that maybe, although shit’s painful, you have been given some sort of (?) gift And then, fucken someday, you’ll discover this so far hidden surprise, and you're life will then surprise you, and easily and painlessly shift When you think that, maybe, you're just pointlessly rambling about fucken nothing Or, maybe, this is just your last chance for a, never-before experienced, little girl’s longing for answers, and her, hopefully sufficient, child-like dream When you know that you absolutely cannot sit here for eternity, writing everything that seems so important at the moment down, it is great to know, for certain, that your soul is very alive, active, and persistent in assuring that your unique and most intelligent thoughts will always continue to flow Maybe, with this realization, will come reassurance and that feeling of worthlessness(that sometimes seems so hard to vanquish) will diminish. I strongly hope that this is when your time, beauty, and potential will then show
Reason for writing:
I was very twacked out on speed...
Birth sign: Aquarius
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