Tonight, as I sit here, typing the words that you are now reading, I'm thinking of my past and how I've got here. And I'm thinking what a fool I've been, what a blind fool I've been, to ever think of myself as being alone. Yet I geuss without my share of falls, I probably wouldn't have learned all that I have. And I probably wouldn't have turned out to be the person in which you all have come to know within the 2 years that I've been writing on this site. God, what a night, what a goddamn night that I have had this night and all because of an email I wrote, saying goodbye to a person who has been my best friend for quite some time. Saying goodbye to someone who has chained me, controlled me, and just about ruined my self confidence and laughed as she did. How was I to know that her mom would find the email, come all the way over to my house and show my parents the wretched and horrible things I have confessed in that single email? I explained that I had indeed wanted to kill myself for quite sometime; wanted to get it through and over with, yet I never had the courage to see it through. Then again, it wasn't fear was it? It was the fact that subconsciously, without even realising a single thing, I had discovered that it wasn't worth it to end my life. That somehow I had risen from the water and found a life that I forever dreamed of living. I told of nightmares, I told of threats, I told of living through my own funeral and witnessing the tears. And I told of the rape. Of losing all sense of control, of consciousness, of myself. When confronted by my parents, I bolted. I stormed right past their arms, got out of their hold as fast as I possibly could and drove to the one place where I knew I could escape- into the arms of my exboyfriend as well as best friend, Jeff. And there I stayed until I felt I had stayed my time and decided to come home. Only to then be forced into my parents van and driven to the hospital to spend the night to be watched in case of attempted suicide. I talked, or rather screamed my way out of it, with a rage that I never thought that I had. Promising my family I'd get help. That I'm ok. And for once in my life, I can actually say that I am- I am ok and will always be ok. I don't want to die anymore. Can you believe it? I don't want to die anymore. I dont even know how I started to feel better but I did. Maybe it was because someone actually saw what happened to me. Someone actually realised that something was wrong. Someone actually reached their hand out to me and held on. Only then did I finally see, that on June 19th, it will be the last day that I will ever have to see his fucking face ever again. And that I have so much more to life to give, than just giving up and giving in. I just hope that everyone who has ever thought of committing suicide, see that as well, that no matter how alone you feel, someone is there to hold your hand through everything, even if they choose not to be seen.Birth sign: Scorpio
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