There is only so much I let you see. There is only so much I let you know. So many things, So many experiences Have gone into making me. But I am so far From perfection. There are incidents -- Horrible and embarrassing incidents -- That have happened to me, Which have also gone into making me. I lower my head And my thoughts, Hoping people will not Notice me and instead, See the kid beside me. And I cannot describe how much I hate myself for doing that, For sitting there and not saying anything Knowing exactly how he feels. I will sit there, Hearing these awful things being said, And I do not say a thing, Worried that they will then be said about me. Cowardliness is something I have acquired, Not from loneliness, But from pain and lack of confidence in myself. American society tends to create these standards, Standards which I can never Live up to for so many reasons. In magazines I read And in shows I watch, There are these perfect girls With perfect hair, Perfect skin, And perfect bodies. And home – Supposedly where the heart is – Is filled with these people, These people who have everything And know it. For the few of us that do not, Life in high school is almost unbearable. My family always told me How much I would love it here, And how much this place would love me. Being completely honest, I can say neither one is true. The sound of rejection Rings down the halls, And I hide so it cannot find me. It pierces my ears And I scream. I scream so loudly and yet No one hears me, Or at least they try not to. It is as if I am a burden, I am too real And they cannot take it. But high school did not do it to me alone. Everything and everyone joined in. Ever since those innocent days In preschool and elementary school, I have been picked on. Over and over, The word “fat” was yelled at me With any other clever nickname Kids could think up. It did not bother me until one day. That one day I saw myself, Not the smart girl, Not the funny girl, Not the loved and lucky girl, But the fat girl that they made me see. What gives them that unimaginable ability, This ability to be so mean? Up to this day, I still cry at night. I still wonder why I never saw it earlier. I do know why. It never mattered to me, I never even thought about things like that Or judging people on how they looked. There are only so many times A person can hear that Before it really starts To change them To scare them To embarrass them. It changed me. Do you have any idea What those kids have done to me? I cry, Uncontrollably at times, Because I am not thin enough Or I am not pretty enough. Do you realize just how ridiculous that is? I cannot tell you How many diets I have tried, Sports I have done, Or workouts I have struggled through Just so I can fit in better And feel good about myself. It is all a big joke. My mom tells me every day That we should not complain Because we have everything And that there are people that have it so much worse, Like the people with handicaps Or mental disorders. But I do not think that. I think they are the lucky ones Because I see them Smiling and laughing. They are the lucky ones Because they do not know any better. But then again, Neither do the people That make fun of me because I am fat. I do not see how that is funny. I do not understand What it proves. Actually, it does prove something. People are selfish, They need to hurt others Just to make themselves feel better. I do not hate people That is for sure. In fact, I love more people Than I could ever count And those people love people, But they lose track of that, Of the important things in life, The truly important things in life. Never have I not made a team Or been cut from anything. But for the first time, I found out that I – The one who was told That she could do anything If she wanted – Learned that disappointment Lurks around the corner Just waiting to pounce on Its unsuspecting prey. And from that moment That I saw myself, My life has changed And no matter what I do It will never be the same. Never.
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Birth sign: Scorpio
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