a.k.a Maybe Tomorrow, and im NOT jealous, here is ONE of the pooems i have written and the comments i recieved! Darkness descends She lays her blanket accross the sky Patchwork quilt, strewn with intricate constellations, Serenity and peace descend, She hides hate and fear Darkness hides an evil act At night those I fear come out Tip toe past the sun Run throughout the dark streets Dark nights hide the dark deeds Committed when she gently sleeps you have a good piece of work here. I like the concepts you put in. It seems you've put some thought into this one. A few suggestions below: Darkness descends *the rest of your piece has much originality--I hate to see you start it with such a common cliche. She lays her blanket accross the sky *this would make a much better first line Patchwork quilt, strewn with intricate constellations, *would you consider "quilted with intricate constellations," Serenity and peace descend, *remember, you ended line 1 with "descends" She hides hate and fear Darkness hides an evil act At night those I fear come out *from "she" to "I" and 4 lines down back to "she" Tip toe past the sun *like this line Run throughout the dark streets *maybe "running through dark streets" Dark nights hide the dark deeds *delete "the" Committed when she gently sleeps *"while" for "when" **invest in a bit more punctuation. It will really help the reader get more understanding from your work. A mighty fine poem you have written here.Thanks for sharing this one.I really love this line"Tip toe past the sun" Once again great job... I hope it helps. Darkness descends * This is a cliche. Keeping lurking around Teen and you will be able to indentify them in no time. And when you do, try your best to stay away from them. She lays her blanket accross the sky *across ( otherwise good line) Patchwork quilt, strewn with intricate constellations that one can't understand, * Good! I can see the improvement from your last pieces. This is good imagery, and is fresh. I don't really like the word intricate though, and if i were you I would take out "that one can't understand". It seems like it is telly, maybe if you could say that in a better way then it would sound alright. Serenity and peace descend, * oh no! abstract nouns. Why are they so terrible? Because it gives us no mental image. What serenity means to me might be far from what you meant. She hides hate and fear Darkness hides an evil act At night those I fear come out * Abstractions, and "at night those I fear come out" is a cliche and very vague. Tip toe past the sun * Good Run throughout the dark streets Dark nights hide the dark deeds Committed when she gently sleeps * cliche, abstract Esentially, you have some good images and lines, but still many are cluttered with cliches and abstractions. After reading your poem I still don't know what the central theme was. What was it about? I would be curious to know, then maybe I can give you some pointers on how to make it more concrete. So yeah not everyone likes my poems, but im grateful for criticism at least then i can make it better and for your information to all those ppl who have called me jealous, I have had 3 of my poems published recently and have had 1 printed in a local magazine where i live, so no im not jealous!Birth sign: Aquarius
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