It's hard to think about
Last year...
God, it all went by so fast
Yet at the moment, time seemed to have stopped dead
And given up
It's all so unreal now as I look back
The hell that I went through
The pain and the tears
And the overcoming
And God... the strength...
Can't leave that out, of course
When you're depressed, it seems as though everything you do is just utterly worthless
Nothing nor no one can help you
And even if they tried, it's just...
They don't understand
Then again, I think they always did understand
I think subconsciously that I just didn't want them to understand
Because I didn't understand it myself
And it was hard for me to accept that they knew more than I did
All those times that I had tried getting out
Of my life
Of my hell
Out of everything really
It had just seemed like it really wasn't happening
And yet it was
And the magnitude of it all just hit me with a force so strong and so...
Incredible that everytime I tried to get up
It would just push me back down and knock me farther than what I had been before the last hit
Alcohol... sex... anger
All seemed to numb my senses of feeling
Feeling anything at all
And even though I knew what it was all doing to me
I didn't care
I JUST DIDN'T CARE!!!
'Fuck it' I thought...
'I just don't care'
Yet when did it all stop?
Was it even a measured space of time?
Where I can think back and find the exact date that my mind just went from 'I don't care' to...
'I do?'
What morning did I wake up?
What did the clock on the wall read?
Who was with me?
So many questions and yet I don't think it all happened all at once
I think, like myself, that it just grew
Only it grew out of me
Like... the depression just seeped from every pore of my skin
And slowly just faded from my body
As the year drifted into the current, it just lessened
Until the current date and time
Today
This moment that I'm in right now
Where I'm free of the pain and hell and God... just everything
Could it be that I've awakened a brand new day
Revived a long forgotten heart
And mended a once torn consciousness
To become the new...
Satisfied
Me
Myself
And I?
Birth sign: Scorpio
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