it's 4:00 a.m. and i haven't slept
i laid in bed next to you
and just watched you sleep
the rise and fall of your chest
with each breath a gentle snore
sometimes...i just have to watch you sleep
because sometimes...
it's just so hard to believe you're really here
and just by reaching out
i can touch you -
it has been almost two years
since i first came to this site on
valentines day and posted a poem
that was bourne from a pain
so deep inside of me
it was choking the life from me
the poem was about another man
the pain was the lack of you
it was the first poem i had ever posted
and you were the first person to ever
read and then comment on something i had written
and i remember that comment so well
as it was so appropriately 'jason delph'
it went like this...
'this is good. i don't
know what else to say but this is really
fucking good.'
and i felt every single word, just as
you meant it...and that is where
this all began...
we've been through so much since
that first poem and that first
comment
and i come back here now to write
this, not just because i love you...
more out of respect for the man
that you are -
there are still a few people that
come here that came here then
some even know when this began
and i want them to know
so that's the explanation as to why
i am putting this here - and if
no one gives a damn about this but
me and you...well that's fine too
because this is where we began and
this is where this should be
when this started...
you were living with someone who had no idea
who you were and she lost you because
of that lack of understanding
that understanding...just a little
to ease the twitches ...that's so much
of what you needed and you were
living with someone who had no idea
what that was or how
to begin to give it to you
and you lived in a very uncomfortable
atmosphere for months -
watching her pain, her profession of love
a love that you could not return in the
way she needed-
and you remained there because that
is where i needed you to be and that
is what i needed you to do
you amassed enormous debts to make
certain you always knew where i was
and that i was safe
you wrote hundreds, possibly thousands
of poems to me to help me through
every struggle i was facing
you traveled back and forth across
the country twice for me -
never really knowing where you were going
to end up or how you would survive when
you got there-
you risked friendships for me
friendships where the word 'friend'
doesn't begin to describe the closeness
that has been shared - and you have
suffered in missing them - but you
have never once complained or indicated
regret -
you risked relationships with your family
you have accepted all my emotional baggage
and you have remained where anyone else
would have left long ago -
you risked yourself
for the sake of me -
you stood by me - even when i was
dishonest with you - and then you understood
why i felt i had to be -
you accepted and did not question when
there were things which had a major impact
on your life - but i could not tell you
what those things were or why they
had such an impact
you tattooed my name on your back
you have trusted me,
you have loved me unconditionally
and you have loved me
through
anything
through
everything
as you always said you would...
in part, this is me accepting responsibility
for so many things i handled wrong...putting it
right out here that i have put you through
hell and back again
but the other part of this is...
i want it here...i want it in writing
how true you are to every word you have
ever written...you are the man behind your
words
the man and the words of which i fell so
deeply in love with...
you are my soul
thank you for everything you have
done for me
thank you for loving me and my son,
thank you for every word you have
ever written and for every experience
behind those words as they made
you who and what you are -
a man that few in this world could
compare...
there's really not much more i can
say...except...
hey jason, you're good...you're really fucking good.
Birth sign: Virgo
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