My children are MY CHILDREN. Saved my life giving life. An only am I, a lonely child. Through the miracle; That gift that some never recieve. Opened the windows and the doors. Tiny little mewlings filled my empty heart. One life God gave me (my own, I played God with and tried to take it. Three days of trach tubes squeeze box ventilaters. Unaware in a darkness so total, Constance a nurse pushed a line on me well rehearsed. Revolving my door coaxing me, Come back come back your trials and test are not yet over. There are fights and battles waiting on you little soldier. Mother Mother don't you feel our pleads and prayers? There in the place we call home is no father save but one. We call him Lord and beg of him nearly every minute; Are you gonna leave us alone? No bedtime stories or kisses On our brow, none of your endless mommy nagging, We hate and love it so, come home mommy come home? We like it even less than you did insecure and alone! Finding you in what we hoped was the nick of time; On the couch amongst a rainbow of family photographs, Flip top head belly full of a hundred sleeping pills. A good-bye note signed with blood from your slashed wrist. Sixteen, thirteen, and our baby brother only four Thank God he was with the woman who loved us enough to surogate herself as our Grandmother. At that fateful moment little brother was with her.So he did'nt have to see and to this day still does'nt know. We are all only half brothers but your love always made us whole.In an edgy kind of way, Many years and selected dysfunctional relationships, some good some bad. That did'nt matter as long as we had you. Now you threaten to take it away. Stay Mamma stay?! Don't leave us to societies jackals and blood suckers who may tear us into tiny little pieces and essentially scatter us apart. Mamma get your shit together have a heart? What did we do wrong? Nothing my sweets. I've just been supressing to many ugly secrets for far far too long. I'm so sorry I got weak when you needed me strong.Now you're all full grown men starting families of your own and I still have so much to tell; and it will either enlighten you into understanding, or distance your hearts infinately with more than miles.I was'nt trying to tear you apart, I simply did'nt and don't know how to explain, my exsistance engored with pain, I could'nt even give it one name, I called it fear,failure, and shame. But I did'nt call out loud, so how could you know.Selfishly I just thought it was best I go.I took it for granted that if I excused myself from living you'd know how I loved you so, literally more than life. Lexi Hilife
Reason for writing:
How sad to crave approval.
Birth sign: Leo
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